How do we know when we should stay in a relationship?
We get descriptions of bad relationships all the time. Magazines, TV shows, the internet all tell us when we should walk away and how to identify when something is unhealthy. Girl friends have told me a thousand times, “it might be time to walk away.” I usually stay in relationships past the expiration date because I was brought up with this idea that relationships are hard and you have to put in work and once you’re married you don’t get divorced (even though everyone else does). My parents are still married after more than 50 years! You just stay no matter what. But times have changed and we knows that’s not true and we talk all the time about when to leave and now we no longer are sure when to stay. Here is some guidance; it’s not an exhaustive list but it’s a start:
- You are both able to apologize.
- Even when you think the other person is wrong, and they very well may be, you are able to see your role in the dynamic of what happened and the same is true when the scenario is on the other foot.
- Not only do you both claim to see the other, you both feel seen and that is communicated.
- You and your partner both take the time to make sure that you understood the other when they communicated before responding. Sometimes we have automatic emotional reactions because of our histories. If that’s the case you each take ownership of it and as soon as you have the insight, you circle back, and you apologize.
- You tell each other regularly how much you like each other and don’t assume the other just knows. You are each clear, there is no doubt or assumption.
- You both are working hard to be the best yous you can be. Yes you take care of each other but most importantly, you are looking after yourself, going to the doctor, going to the gym, spending time with your own friends, talking with your therapist.
Your abilities to do these things will ebb and flow depending on circumstances and stressors but overall, this is a relationship home-base that you and your partner manage to come back to.
Can you think of any others? Let me know!